Let me ask you a quick question: do you ever feel like you can ATTRACT men perfectly fine, but
that you have difficulty attracting a GOOD one?
Or that you
'shouldn't have' any problems attracting
a man - and yet, somehow, you still do?
Or that you're not
able to recognize a great relationship
when you have one ... and instead, only
'realize what you you've got when it's gone' ... and are CONSTANTLY trying to 'make up' for
problems and breakups that took place in
the past?
If any of these
sounds even a little bit like you, then
you'll be relieved to know that it's actually a COMMON problem that many women
have in their relationships ... and
that, once you've equipped yourself with the ACCURATE INFORMATION that you
need, you can quite simply 'get over' the problem, move on, and begin experiencing
the kind of refreshing, fulfilling, EFFORTLESS relationship that you deserve.
A good place to
start:
==>> Mistakes Women Make <<==
And now, let's get on with today's topic: the mistakes
that YOU'RE making that could be DRIVING
MEN AWAY - and how to stop doing them.
By the way - a lot of women feel, deep down, that
'something's wrong', but they just can't seem to figure out WHAT IT IS.
Their friends all
tell them they're fine. THEY think they're fine. And yet they keep experiencing
the same LACK of consistent results.
Here's a little secret for you: if you think that
something's wrong, IT PROBABLY IS. Learn to
trust your instincts and work with what you feel. Until you do, you're going to be trapped in
the
same old cycle of TELLING yourself that 'everything's
fine' and that you're doing the
right thing - when actually, YOU'RE NOT.
And you know what? I think you might be surprised at just
how many other women are experiencing that very same issue - when you know something's
not quite right, but you just DON'T
KNOW WHAT IT IS.
So let's investigate further.
What are some of
the things that women UNKNOWINGLY do that actually drive men away?
#1. BEING A
'YES GIRL'
Let's be frank. A
LOT of women have been acculturated to believe that the best way to a
man's heart is to TRY REALLY HARD to please him. And if
he gets bored, becomes aloof, or backs
off a little, well! That's easy. It's simply a cue to
just TRY HARDER.
In fact, just this morning I got an email from a woman
who told me that this is EXACTLY her problem: that she was brought up by her
mom to 'take care' of men, and that her instinct when she's with a man is to
clean his apartment, pick up after him, bake him cookies, and generally 'mother'
the attraction right out of him.
Obviously, this is a pretty extreme example - plenty of
us were taught to do housework in our childhood without our parents turning it
into a Lesson About What Men Want - but the truth still
remains: there are a LOT of women out there whose sole
idea about creating a great relationship can be summed up so:
'If I just try
hard enough, and put the relationship first, and take really good care of him,
he'll love me more.'
No no NO!
Look, here's the
deal. Quality men don't actually want 'yes women'. They want a woman with a
BACKBONE. Deep down, they don't want you to drop everything for them. They want
you to stand up for yourself and have your own opinions and be OK with saying
'no' if that's how you feel.
It's a good idea
to draw boundaries when it comes to men: let them know that you're not willing
to accept behaviour that is 'less than' in order to simply have 'a
relationship'. For example, if a guy is treating you like 'Plan B' and doing
things like ...
... calling you
up at ridiculous hours asking to 'see you' and telling you he misses you (BTW -
anything after 10pm is generally TOO LATE to be respectful of you) ...
... or
disappearing for days or weeks at a time, then calling up with a good excuse
...
... or always
asking you to meet him places, or telling you that you're 'welcome to come
round
anytime', but never actually asking you out on a DATE ...
Then YOU need to
stick up for yourself and prove that you value yourself too highly to accept
this kind of mediocre treatment from ANYONE. No matter
how badly you want to see him.
The best way to do
this is with your ACTIONS, not your WORDS. So don't tell him that you're
'worth more' than to be subjected to late-night booty
calls - just don't answer the phone after a
certain time.
If he's never asking
you out on dates, well, that's your cue to back right off and stop ACCEPTING those
last-minute 'visitation requests'. No need to make a big scene or create drama
- simply say something like, 'Gee, I'd love to, but I have other plans. Next
time why don't you let me know in advance and then we can figure out something
that works for us both?'
In a nutshell:
stop feeling that 'the relationship' needs to come first if you're going to
'earn' his 'love'. YOU come first, always and forever; and you should not be
giving any more to anyone, or any relationship, if it doesn't SUIT YOU to do
so.
Remember, your instincts know what's up. So if you feel
like you're overcompensating, or that you're giving 'too much', YOU PROBABLY
ARE. Take a step back and focus on
YOURSELF FIRST ... THEN you can pay some attention to him. Period.
#2. TURNING
'COZY TIME' INTO 'CONFESSION TIME'
Did you know that,
when you're with a man, there is actually NO good time to start the self-pity-talk,
the requests for validation, or the 'confessions' that you sometimes feel 'not good
enough'...
... and that,
hands down, the absolute WORST TIME to start doing this is when you're about to
get, or have just been, physical together? And yet to some women, 'cozy time' is tantamount
to PRIME-TIME when it comes to airing out the dirty laundry.
Instead of just allowing
feelings of warmth and closeness to wrap you both up tacitly in a nice
fuzzy blanket of relaxation and peacefulness, some women
instead decide that it's time to 'unveil'
their 'true selves' ... and launch into a
self-pity-infused litany of all the things they wish were different about themselves,
complete with horror stories from the past, stories about the ex, and a bunch
of talk about 'the relationship' - all of which basically equates to bleating,
'Validate me! Validate me! Validate meeeee!'
Bottom line: he's going to feel like you're either: - a)
using him as a tool to externally validate
yourself, OR
- b) that you have
some SERIOUS intimacy issues, OR
- c) that you can't
tell what an 'appropriate situation' is for talking about personal stuff.
Ladies: please.
If you're in bed with a man, or even if you're just hanging out together, don't
feel the need to pollute it by getting all heavy and
up-close-and-personal. It is not going to bring you closer together, it's
just going to portray you as a needy, insecure woman who's making a
thinly-veiled attempt to get his approval and validation.
Here's a tip: SAVE
IT for your friends and family. Your guy doesn't need to hear about how you
wish your stomach was flatter or that you wish your legs were longer or that
you have all these 'deep, dark secrets' that you just can't WAIT to douse him
with.
If you're feeling
insecure, that's OK, go ahead and feel the feelings ... but just be COOL about
it. Stop thinking about the past, and bring your attention into the
here-and-now. Stop thinking about YOU, and get interested in HIM.
Focus on what's happening
around you, what he's doing, what he's saying, and you'll find that your thoughts
will soon diminish and disappear altogether ... and you'll have kept your pride
(and your self-respect) at the same time.
One other thing -
every time we air out these little negativities about ourselves, it strengthens
our belief that those thoughts are TRUE. Don't add any more energy to them by
talking about them - simply allow the thoughts to be, and then allow them to
just drift off while you and your life move on to better, TRUER thoughts and feelings. And by the way ... since when is self-pity
'the real you' anyway?
#3. NEEDING HIM
TO LOVE YOU BEFORE YOU LOVE
YOURSELF.
The big mistake here is needing someone else to give you
something FUNDAMENTAL like acceptance, approval, and LOVE, before you're
willing and able to do it for yourself. There
are 2 major problems with this particular outlook.
Firstly: it's going
to literally prevent you from EVER feeling happy, feeling loved, or being satisfied
in a relationship.
And here's
why.
It's because when
you buy into the idea that you'll be happy WHEN something else happens in your
life (like a relationship), you're actually FOOLING YOURSELF. If you're not
able to be happy and love yourself as you are right now, then you'll NEVER fully
be able to - no matter what happens, what kind of a relationship you get, or who
you wind up with.
You'll be trapped on that gerbil-wheel of 'waiting for X
to happen before you feel happy INDEFINITELY. The only way around that is to
start loving yourself and feeling content RIGHT NOW,
with what you have.
Secondly: this attitude is going
to prevent you from ever attracting and keeping a really top-notch man, because
GREAT men don't want to be responsible for something as elemental and basic as
your own ability to be happy.
And if a guy can sense that you're holding back on
yourself until X happens - maybe that's until you get a committed relationship,
or until you get engaged - he knows that nothing is ever going to change ...
you're STILL going to hold out on yourself even when X comes to pass. He
knows that you're just fooling yourself, and will never actually BE HAPPY - and
that (here's the clincher) sooner or later, you will eventually wind up holding
HIM responsible for your lack of happiness and love.
You've got to be
able to give it to yourself FIRST. Needing a man to approve of you, needing him
to validate you, and NEEDING his love to 'be happy' are all signs that you are
a woman who is unable to fulfil herself ... and that, sooner or later, you are
going to bring those burdens to bear on him and on the relationship.
This is why smart
men aren't eager to involve themselves with women who are NEEDY or CLINGY.
They want to know that you're going to be happy whether
you're single or 'spoken for', because only THEN will you be able to maintain
an even keel and only THEN will you be the kind of woman who's actually worth
investing in. Truly, the ability to be a
GREAT woman who's truly worthy of (and attractive to) top-quality men is one of
those 'worldview' things. Every aspect of how you think about yourself and how
you treat yourself is SAYING SOMETHING to other people, and will help to
determine the nature of your relationships with men.
If you want more
of a detailed look at what it takes to be the kind of fantastic woman who
NATURALLY attracts fantastic men into her life, and who
enjoys relationships that are happy,
healthy, and FULFILLING, then here's that link again:
==>> Go Here <<==
Until next time
Mary
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